My Humorous Encounter with the Cemetery "Gatekeeper"

​The other night, I was on a mission at a cemetery. My goal was simple: to help the living find the dead. Or, more specifically, to help genealogists find their ancestors by documenting headstones on FindaGrave.com. It's not a glamorous hobby, but it's a peaceful one. Or, so I thought.

​I was meticulously hunched over a headstone, snapping pictures, when I felt a presence behind me. I turned to see a woman with a stern look on her face, and an even sterner glare in her eyes. It was clear from the way she was clutching a bucket and a brush that she was a fellow cemetery enthusiast, a volunteer for the church. But this was no friendly hello.

​She marched toward me like a general approaching a rogue soldier, and in a voice that was equal parts demanding and accusatory, she said, "What are you doing here? Those headstones have already been cleaned!"

​I tried to explain my purpose, my noble quest for genealogical data. But she wasn't having it. "I'm just documenting information for Find a Grave.com," I said. "And I also own a headstone cleaning business."

​That's when things took a turn for the truly absurd. "The families can clean their own stones!" she retorted, as if this was a revolutionary idea.

​My brain, which at this point was operating on very little sleep and a lot of caffeine, went to the most logical analogy it could find. "You can make your own burger at home," I said, "but McDonald's still exists and serves billions. I'm just a service for people who are unable, incapable, or unwilling to clean their loved ones' headstones themselves."

​The look on her face told me all I needed to know. The burger analogy did not land. She stared at me for a moment, blinked slowly, then turned and walked away, her bucket and brush swinging with an air of profound disapproval. I'm pretty sure she muttered something about not needing "flipping burgers" in her cemetery.

​I'm still not sure what her issue was, but I have a feeling this won't be my last run-in with a cemetery "gatekeeper." I can only hope the next one appreciates a good burger analogy.

​Do you have any other funny or strange stories from the cemetery? Let me know!